a week in (a follow up post)

for those who read my not resolutions post, you know i started the year out on a serious note, serious for me anyway. i want to say thank you for all the comments you left and emails you sent me.  they were all kind and encouraging.  a couple concerned emails but that was to be expected. i enjoyed reading all of them.

i want to add a little follow up to maybe clear up those of you who were concerned.  here it is... i know that i am a good mom.   i promise that i do know and believe this about myself.  i know that i love my kids and that i am very intentional with making sure they know that they are loved.  and i know that they feel safe and secure in our home. i know this to all be true. this is not where my struggle lies.

what my new years post was intended to be about was instead of making an overwhelming list of everything wrong with me, everything i want to be better at, or have more of... i wanted it to be about a few things i need to be more intentional about.  if i was going to focus on one thing, then what one thing would be the best place to start? what one thing if i could work on it would possibly lead to helping me in other areas too?  for me, like i shared, that one thing is patience.  like i stated in that post, i wasn't born a patient person.  it is not an attribute that pours out of me. patience is something that when i do actually show it, it is because i am intentionally working at it.  as i shared, one of the areas patience would help me in, is my ability to be a patient mom... a mom who shows her children grace before anything else.  a mom who can simply sit with her child in the midst of a melt down, instead of becoming frustrated. although my lack of patience makes these things hard for me to do at times, i am also aware that it does not make me a bad mom.

my plan was and is still to be daily praying for patience, beginning each day with the desire on my mind and in my heart and being intentional all day with this. so far, a week in, it has been going well.  i knew it would.  i know God listens to the desires of my heart and He hears my prayers.  the best thing is that i know He loves my children more than i do. when i feel like i have lost my cool or didn't handle a situation in the best way, the one thing i always try to remember to do is let my kids know that i am sorry. i always make sure they know that i am aware that i am not perfect, that i don't expect them to be perfect, and that it is okay we aren't perfect... that God is still working on me and  on them and that He loves them more than even mommy and daddy do.  i want my kids to know of my dependence on God.  i desire them to know that God is always there for them and i want  them to discover that His love is beyond anything else.  so even though i will probably never master the art of patience, and not everyday will be one where i exude grace, i will continue to pray for it and be as intentional as i can with showing it.  and it is okay if i don't master it, it is okay if God doesn't perform a miraculous and immediate change in me... because my kids are getting to see first hand how God works in us.  they can see the process of His work in me, their mom.  there is no parenting book or class where you can learn how to be a perfect parent... or even come close to perfect.  we need to be prepared we will fall short... a lot of the time.  when i go to my almost eight year old son and get down on my knees so we are eye to eye and i tell him that i am sorry for snapping at him, that i was wrong to get frustrated, that i will try to react better, and that i love him, and always love him no matter what he does or how i act... he reacts by hugging me, he tells me thank you, that he forgives me and then he usually apologizes as well.  in my short eight years as a parent, this example i just shared is the best parenting i have learned. the first time i did this i had overreacted with my son and sent him to his bed crying. i immediately knew that i was out of line and my heart hurt for the way i handled the situation.  i went to my room, shut the door and prayed for God to help me be the mom He wants me to be.  i asked Him to help me fix this mess and to help me, to help grant to understand.  that was when God showed me to let go of my pride and to show love and grace to my child.  and i was able to do it because i felt His love and grace for me, His child, as i opened up to Him.  the best example of parenting, yet one we will never live up to, is the example of God as our Father.

thank you for your encouragement and prayers. i am grateful for the small changes i have been experiencing already, the ways i have been succeeding with patience, and the positive effect it has had on my kids and our entire home. 2013 has had a good start.