scattered

i'm not good at the blogging thing.  i've never been able to keep up with it on a regular enough basis.  and when i am here i find that i simply update more than i actually do what is referred to as blogging.  which has worked well for me since writing is not one of my gifts.  i will never conquer the art of proper grammar and fail at even sending a correct text.  i'm totally off topic already.  which is another reason why i fail at writing.  the idea of a topic and staying with it doesn't work well for me.  i drive my husband crazy because i am constantly starting conversations with him that have been going on in my head for several minutes already.  it usually takes me a few moments to realize that he has no clue what i am talking about because to him it seems i began on this random topic from nowhere.  in my head it all made perfect sense though.  and here i am, still off topic.  although that works for this post... because i feel off topic.  i feel scattered.  i feel distracted from many of the places i need to be present.  

i was preparing to head to my son's christmas party at school on friday when news came to me of the sandy hook shooting.  i'm an emotional person.  i'm a reactive person.  i had to force myself to not go straight to grant's school right then.  why?  i have no clue.  was i going to take him from his fun last day of school?  no.  was i going to freak out and cry in front of him?  no.  i did the logical thing and went to his school just for his holiday party as originally planned.  i could not help but hug him right when i got there and to stick close to him the entire time i spent in his class.  it broke me in many ways to learn of the little ones killed that day.  to think of the parents with empty beds in their homes that night.  i won't even pretend like i have any idea of the pain of knowing i would never hug my child again.  i don't have any profound words, great answers or original plans to contribute to this tragedy.  there are no answers for why.  it only reminds me of the truth that today could possibly be all that i have, or all someone that i love has.  it's a reminder to use this life, and even this day, in the best way that i can.  

the day after this tragedy was planned to be a joyous day for our family.  my husband was graduating college.  getting through college while married, while having children and while having a full time job, is something that deserves recognition.  it has been more than a journey for this family.  it is 100% my husband's hard earned and well deserved degree, but it wouldn't be real to not give recognition to myself and our children for the important parts we have played in supporting him.  we have also had an amazing community around us that has prayed for and encouraged us during every step of the way.  so although the horrible tragedy of friday made way for a saddened saturday, we still had something to be grateful for, to be happy about.  and in that i found joy.  i have much to be thankful for and many people to hold tight and to love.  our days are numbered here, in this very broken world, but we get to choose how we spend them, we can choose the way we view our lives, and we can take charge of how we use our days.  

i know i shared this recently in my thanksgiving post, but because it always comes to mind for me during difficult moments and days, i want to share it again.  it isn't an answer, but for me, as a believer in jesus, this brings me hope.  it helps me to be thankful for what i have.  to be thankful in all things no matter our circumstances.  it is from the book "one thousand gifts".

"God is always good and I am always loved.

Everything is eucharisteo.

Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things - take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness.  I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharisteo.  The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good.  The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace...

All is grace only because all can transfigure."

so while i currently feel scattered and am still finding myself in moments of struggling with being able to enjoy my kids being on school vacation, happy about the fact my husband has no more papers to right, and the joy of christmas being just days away... i am choosing to do the best that i can to enjoy it.  to be grateful.  and the truth is that i have so much to be thankful for and i believe we all do.